Friends, Southerners, Countrymen:

One score and four years ago, my parent brought forth on this continent a new child, conceived in the backseat of a brand new gas-guzzling Brougham Cadillac and dedicated to the proposition that I shall one daytravel the world, bathing in the equality of mankinf across the globe. Now, I am engaged in a great undertaking, testing whether me or anyone like me so conceived and so dedicated to self-centered Americanisms can long endure outside of the McDonald's-ridden States.

I am placed on a great battlefield of conscience. I have come to dedicate my American conscience to a final resting place so that I, who have given myself to international travel, may live. It is altogether fitting and proper that i should do this. In a larger sense, I cannot desecrate, I cannot contaminate, I cannot sully my Southern soil. To the brave Southern Gentlemen, living and dead, who struggled in far off exotic places, having consecrated our hospitality far beyond my own power to add or detract, I bid salute. The world will little note what I say here, but it can never forget the mark I leave on a nation once visited when employing the well-mannered charm of a Southerner.

It is for me, the traveler, to further dedicate my life further into the pursuit of spreading goodwill and merriment. It is of great importance for me to be dedicated to the great task remaining before me - that from my honored predecessors who gave increased devotion to spreading our cordiality to foreign lands - that I here highly resolve that they should not have traveled in vain, that all people under God shall have a new birth of mirth, and that spirit of the South, shall not perish by my name.

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Friends, as you may have gambled to guess I will be traveling again. This time I shall travel to Nicaragua For those of you unfamiliar with the geography of the world, Nicaragua is in central-America, which is somewhere south of the United States if that didn't help. For those only vaguely acquainted with the region, it's north of Panama a ways. If you want to get in touch with me while I am there, don't bother. I'm in hiding and chances are it's someone like you I'm hiding from. If there is any news of any great monumental concern, call the Great Lady of Selma. After that, you're on your own. I leave in a few days and if I survive, I won't be back until June at the earliest. Peace be unto you and if I am executed for starting a revolution...give my regards to broadway!