My fastidious friends, it has been awhile. I am here to explain nearly everything I have been up to while visiting Nicaragua, plus what I am doing now should you actually care. Despite the rumors, lies and government surveillence tape, I was not in Nicaragua to make drug connections and take over the Southeast region of the U. S. drug market. Nor was it to lead a revolution for our beloved agencies for better democracies. I leave those daunting tasks for others of iller repute than mine. Many of you have asked...but why would you go to such a place? What did you do? Would you ever go back?

Well, let's be honest, you don't really need to know all of the details and all of the stories. People who say "tell me everything" really only want the highlights. They're trying to be polite. I understand that and move on. So, I'll give you a quick run down on the things I got to see, all in one sentence. I saw: the sun set on the Pacific Ocean (not my first), the only fresh water lake with sharks (though that's since proved disputable), an active volcano with real puffing smoke (my first active volcano climb), naked Nicaraguan women (a historic first), a bunch of really cool churches (and one really, really ugly one), a friend almost drown (who shall remain nameless for his shame), a fort where the Sandinistas tortured people, a couple of commandantes and a mercenary, over a thousand cockroaches and, last but not least, I had the opportunity to see what TRUE POVERTY really was.

Why would I go to such a place? To visit a firend and see a new place. What did I do? Got to meet a lot of people, learn the Spanish language a little bit better than just Taco Bell vocabulary, and got to see a lot of cool places. Most of what I did was take a ton of pictures and write a few poems. There's even a picture or two of me floating about. Would I ever go back? You bet your bottom dollar. With the way their economy is right now, a dollar is better than gold.

Now that you have the 4-1-1 on me, a little about what I am doing now. I'm working in New Orleans for Anne Rice in the Garden District. It's fun and I don't have to wake up before dawn. As for now, I'm looking at schools to get my masters. The real world is not like it's seen on MTV, that's for sure (pansy ass cry-babies). I'm looking at getting a masters in Broadcast Journalism. I'll have to run up huge debts because the International Bank of Melba has recently put a closed sign on the door.

Now that I thoroughly have you bored to death. I'll leave you in relative peace.